Messages From U Know Who

Sometimes "just trying to help" is more like just trying to destroy. Be kind this holiday season...

Dropped Calls Fall Into Fashion

Who Needs Hooked on Phonics?

We used to could not want nothing nohow.

Dave Grohl Look-Alike Spotted

Obama Gives Thumbs up to Dave Grohl, Foo Fighters

Obama had a few choice words in support of mainstream music today. "The Foo Fighters are a force. Dave Grohl told me as much. I am all for the 'I have a dream,' contingency. The future's so bright I gotta wear shades!"

YA Urban Fantasy

No Ugly Betty

Lynchpin in Gigantic Cat Invasion Spotted

The ring leader of the Gigantic Cats, Little Louie, was spotted outside the local watering hole chomping on a dog bone. Nobody stopped to inquire if this bone was a toy or a sick joke. Nobody.

Gigantic Cat Invasion by Purina

Living in close proximity to a nuclear reactor can have many unexpected consequences. In the small rural town of Purina, Montana, a radiation leak appears to have affected the domestic feline population. The territorial pack dogs of Crater Ridge fled at first sight.

Surreal Motion

I gotta switch to decaf!

Urination Nation

Vindictive behavior in the animal kingdom.

Jimmy Phone Home

Jimmy's mother had asked him again and again to call home, send a letter, anything, to let her know he was alive and well. Apparently, Jimmy grasped the concept but took it entirely out of context. When he sent this letter enclosed picture home to mom, she got the message and knew immediately that her precious little boy was on drugs. She no longer asks him for calls, letters, etc. She just makes sure to read the obituary columns.

iPhone Girl Goes International!

Ever since this cute, perky, Chinese worker at the FoxConn Factory had her picture snapped, a picture which went out on a customer's phone instead of being deleted as per standard practice, she immediately rose to international fame. The media has gone on a wild feeding frenzy trying to locate this girl for an interview. At this point her identity and whereabouts are unkown. On a related note, Apple denies rumors that they will produce a pink iPhone in her honor, dubbed either PiPhone or ChiPhone, specifically for the Chinese market. If you have any information that can lead to locating this girl, please let us know. The world awaits!

Notice

Mandatory posting for all offices.

Generation Y

In his 1991 novel Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture, Douglas Coupland coined the term Generation X to place his generation squarely in the cultural timeline. In response to his Generation X tag, the media jumped in to term the next Generation Y. The imagination impaired run rampant. At any rate, if we would relent and give in to this consensual idiocy by jumping on the “oh, must be generation Y then,” bandwagon, let’s at least be accurate in our portrayal. If the generation between 1980 and 1995 is to be called Generation Y, let us clarify: not Generation Y, but Generation WHY?, second but not inferior to Generation WHAT? Seems today’s parents are more than familiar with these particular two generations. Of course, if you wish to go with Generation Y, the caricature rendering sums it up nicely.

Honey I'm Shrinking!!

Elmer kept telling his wife he was shrinking, shrinking. Of course, she did not believe him and thought he was making a crude reference to a topic not for polite company. Three days later the truth of his words were all too clear. Gone is Elmer, victim of terminal shrinkage, leaving to his wife the boots and always present hat she despised.

Squirrel Cake for One

When a squirrel dives in to take a chomp of your wedding cake, it could be seen as a cute photo op for the wild-rodent loving community. Seen as an omen it could signal nothing good. Given the steadily holding divorce statistics, it would seem this squirrel and his brood are hard at work spreading the cute photo moment that is in fact the voice of doom.

BFF on the Prowl

Lance's girlfriend Lisa (pictured left) adamantly insisted that his friends were nothing but nose picking morons. Bringing along her new breasts for this picture, Tanya (before putting the moves on BFF Lisa's boyfriend) had a friend snap this picture to prove the point. What Lance does not know is Tanya, formerly Tony, is not a miracle of nature but a spectacle of science. What Tanya does not know is that Lisa knows Tanya's secret and is willing to let Lance find out for himself because she is not as oblivious as she pretends. Oh the twisted webs we weave.

Fear Factor II

Olympian athletes are privileged to receive all the exemplary gourmet treats China has to offer. Along with each portion an assortment of dipping sauces is included as well as the ever present de rigeur fortune cookie, each including the fine print caution "To refuse foreign generosity is to instigate international incident." Can anyone say "Fear Factor?"

Rubber Man to the Rescue!

Hearing that Warner Bros. Pictures was discussing the challenges of turning more DC properties into movies besides just the "Batman" and "Superman" franchises, server cum aspiring actor Turner Hedround adopted his character Rubber Man and began making the rounds. Unfortunately, Hollywood moguls did not get the word before he suffocated.

McDonalds is Evil

Since the immense negative press and image sullying effect of Morgan Spurlock's Super Size Me, McDonalds has been on an aggressive "re-imaging" campaign to convince the consumerite public of their continuing good intentioned and altogether altruistic aim. Somehow, among the flurry of ideas coming from their marketing department some seemed to misinterpret the objective.

Hooked on Phonics

For some, Hooked on Phonics is not enough. In these cases, Idiot's Guide to Intelligence is imperative.

Billboard Misfire

Driving north on California freeway 395 offers many spectacular picture opportunities of landscapes and wildlife. The picture shown here is not one of them. Notable only for its entirely unclear message, it poses for the driver a bestial and moral dilemma: How hungry, thirsty, and in need of gas am I and what on earth could the pictured baleen woman have to do with this? In most cases we can only hope fear wins out. In others it would seem fate holds play.

Florida Sandman Discovered

Out on a morning stroll in the surrounding swamplands, Jasper Tallywhacker was unprepared for the powerful nauseating stench that assaulted his nostrils, curled his eyebrows, and had his stomach aching for explosion. This horrendous moment was soon joined by the alleged source of said stench: A Skunk-Ape. Also known as the Florida Sandman, the most consistent characteristic ascribed to skunk-apes is the smell. It is said that they have a rather extreme odor that is nauseating. An egregious stench such as this was typically ignored by Jasper as the emanations from his wretchedly unwashed underbritches. But sensing that his destiny was upon him, he whipped out his trusty Piggly Wiggly toss-away camera and snapped away.

Known around town as the "trickster monkey," detractors dismiss his "find" as just another of old drunk Jasper’s cornball tricks. Others insist it is simply a picture of his stupid brain challenged brother, Ennis, in a cheap skunky mask. Since nobody knows for certain, the swamplands are avoided just in case. Jasper meanwhile enjoys his celebrity and the perks that come with it, most notably the swarm of Skunk-Ape groupies. “Life is good then it gets better,” says Jasper. “Whou’lda knowed it’d be me to find that dang ol’ Skunk-Ape? Yep, that’s my story and I’m stickin to it!” A groupie moves in for a quick snuggle. Yes, life is good.

Blending In

Sometimes fitting in is the hardest thing to do. But with a bit of thinking outside the doggie box, anything is possible. If not for the failing eyesight of his new owner, Buffkus might not have been able to slip into the cat herd as "just a big kind of cat." Of course, being a male dog, Buffkus is simply following the instinct of all male creatures: Bring on the fuzzzy things and I will follow.

True Master of the Pan Flute Revealed

When family and friends described Harry Buckwilly as odd but harmless, there was not the proliferation of random photographic opportunities as witnessed with the early twenty first century lust for Warholian fame. Yet today, said family and friends were conspicuously silent on the topic of Buckwilly, with the exception of Aunt Matty who dubbed him PGN, “Pudgy Buck Nekkid.” When the Hare Krishnan contingency rejected his bid for acceptance on the grounds of overexposure, his reaction was of Zen like aplomb. Then, it can only be assumed “he snapped.” Today he can be seen on any city street in any city dancing the dervish and tooting his modified pan flute to the shocked horror of many. Suffice to say, his bizarre message has been acknowledged.

The Knack of Selling Yourself

Our lovely spokesperson illustrates the, uhm, "undesirable" effects of embarking upon stated path from which one should refrain. If models were to spontaneously grow these gelatinous orbs of joy, the upgrade market would shrivel and die, as would the now common query, "Are those real?" All manner of havoc indeed. Supress the urge to splurge.

Point Counterpoint

As in any business venture, of primary import is location location location. Maybe this unexpected object lesson makes the point startlingly clear. Not decoration: hold sign. Decoration: laugh at sign holder.

Picture Bombing

A lot of things could be said about this picture sent in by Beth Uwannano. Something could be said about the resplendent joy and faerie wings aplenty of girl parties. Something could be said about impromptu background happenings at said parties. Something could be said about taking care when setting up group photos at said parties. Finally, something could be said about the undeniable lure of interracial pair bonding. Finally, what will be said is this: viewer's choice.

I Think Therefore I Am?

Kyller Mondue has many questions, questions about life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit. Viewing himself as master of all he surveys, he successfully dodges questions that result in more questions. Lately, the largest question of all troubles him, vexes him as he struggles to gain the universal wisdom of the ancients: Why am I wearing a woman's blouse?

Customers are Lovin' It!

Raising customer disservice to the level of absolute clarity of intent, Bob's Grill joined the fray by throwing caution to the wind. "I used to want to help people, give them a reason to leave home and go out, you know?" said owner Bob Motley. "But in time, with the general apathetic response I received, I changed my tack and posted the new sign. Now I'm busier than ever!" At the time of our visit, the parking lot was full with a long line of customers snaking out onto the Interstate. Something to be said for knowing one's audience.

Return to Sender

The Izattawheed Islamic Temple in downtown Pittsburgh, received a package that was clearly not intended for them. Upon opening the package containing T-shirts emblazoned with a message of clear racial profiling, temple administrator, Izheet M'Drurz, shouted in pure jihad rage, "We are not amused!!" It is reported he will consult with high mullah, M'Balz es-Hari, to construct an appropriate response. No hints were given as to what forms this response could conceivably take.

Pounding Out a Bestseller

Writers get their inspiration from all manner of sources and situations. Some, like famed Misery writer Joaquin Daly, claim to receive their best inspiration while on the crapper. An itinerant photo bug snapped this picture of the author hard at work. We can only assume that the author is aware that along with the truism "you are what you eat" is the corresponding truism "you write what you crap." Well, we're pretty sure he knows by now.

The Gates to Love and War

The Gates to Love and War by Janie Pendleton

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars
When I cracked this novel I didn't know what to expect. Really. First off, romance novels are not my cup of tea. Even with three spoonfuls of sugar. Not even Mary Poppins could make THAT medicine go down. Still I dove in undaunted fully armored in case anything romancey gushy gushy tried to gun me down. It's a war novel I thought, it can't be all bad. How pleased I was to find out I was wrong. Inside the covers of this book I found not the cheap cookie cutter category romance I half expected, but an intelligent, expertly woven and detailed story.

For fans of romance novels, I believe a different sort of conceit is in play: war stories for guys romance stories for girls, never the twain shall meet. Should this line of thinking find resonance with you, then you owe it to yourself to read this book. If for nothing else to challenge your deeply held conviction that war novels, are not for women, no no, but for men who seem to thrive on the stuff. Would it surprise you to find that this novel uses the concept of war only as a neatly encompassing framework within which to cast the main characters as they step, and struggle, and yes "grope" for subsistence in this strangely alien world called "my homeland?" If you answered yes then your surprise will be adequately rewarded as Janie Pendleton undertakes to show you that romance and war are not mutually exclusive concepts. In fact, one amazingly highlights the other. Like a hand in a glove or wrapped around a grenade.

Neatly fusing topical events with a timeless romance, Pendleton conjures a tale that is equal parts cozy seduction and psychological thriller. Beginning with a brief scene setting we are soon allowed to sit in on the inner thoughts of the tale's heroine, Jade Pickard. Equating this character with an alter ego for the author is easy to do as the author is a ranking officer in the U.S. Marines who has not too long ago shipped home from the Iraqi battlefront. How much in this tale is derived from her recent experiences we can only guess with a shudder as the unconscionable and brutal scenes depicted in flashback would test the moral fortitude of most. Yet this is not after all a gruesome slash 'em smash 'em melee of blood and gore. No, it is a love story told against a backdrop of disturbing horrors endured, sanctuary embraced, redemption sought. The story's mysteriously haunted and appropriately flawed hero, John Lewis, fills out the ensemble nicely as the charming, attractive, perhaps roguish complement to the gorgeous, self-reliant, suitably dangerous Ms. Pickard. In counterpoint is a multi-skilled and extremely capable heroine, someone who needs no one hence appears entirely unapproachable, with an adventurous and willing companion. Thus far her self reliant posture has keep her safely ensconced within a self imposed cocoon of rustic comfort with only her rural lifestyle, majestic mountain views, and simmering Irish temper for company. Until John ambles along that is, at which point her every word and action make it clear that her blissfully complete life is at best cold comfort. Joined by a similarity of military background and purpose they are quickly on the trail of a former comrade who has seemingly run amok and gone on a killing spree. At the disclosure of this fact the story quickly steers as promised to the suspense portion of the tale.

Overall the author elicits a satisfying mixture of intrigue, suspense, danger, and naked flesh. If one had cracked the covers of this novel hoping to drop in on a soft-core porn rendering of tumbling bodies, bare-chested hunks and ripped bodices, one should stand down and visit more beastly quarters. Pendleton avoids the lure of cheap salacious production and delivers an intelligent blend of romance and suspense worthy of ascension into the ranks of the reigning industry masters. Sharing glancing similarity with Nora Robert's 2006 novel, First Impressions, does nothing to detract from Pendleton's esteem as a romance novelist but rather bestow upon her work the mark of one whose methodology is established and whose attention to genre precepts will earn her the well deserved praise of the steady legion of romance fans who know what they like and where to get it. It will not be long before the praise and attention of these selfsame fans will be lavished upon this author as they quickly absorb her initial offering then await her next with breathless anticipation. This novel is highly recommended for those bored with the grind of daily responsibilities who hunger for romance and intrigue and something more stimulating than cubicle camaraderie and microwave cuisine.






View all my reviews.

Still Life with Psychotic Squirrel_Book Review

rating: 5 of 5 stars
First, let me just say that this author, CB Smith, delivers up a delightful taste of real life "Artistic" justice in the book Still Life with Psychotic Squirrel. I gave my first star for his originality, cleverness, and loose-comic reality checks. The second star, I gave for his capablity of bringing back my own childhood memories, and the third star I gave for the chapter "Auntie Terrorist"...hilariously real for me, as were so many of the other childhood events he offered up in this charming yet giddy book of life. The fourth star that I gave this novel, is for its historical accuracy and attention to detail where the actual scene set up was concerned. The fifth star, I gave this novel for blending together the reality checks with real-life situations that I am sure we have all suffered through from our own past family experiences. Although a bit 'Squirrelly' in style, our Author's rendition sets you up for a fun fall--yet again, that is its title!

Ex; To Uncle Henry who just 'chose' to eat another Aunt's cookies at sunday dinner:

henry's wife: "Henry? Why don't you like my cookies? The ones I slaved over for the last three days?

Henry: "Uhmmm, well, he stuttered, it's not that dear, it's just that these ones looked so good...

Wife of Henry: "Oh!" she snapped, "I see, THAT one looked good, but MINE didn't?

...lol...I've heard that one before! Haven't you? Hint to hubbies, always put something on your plate from wifey first!

***One sentence review for book jacket:

"Fast-paced, filled to rim with reality and fun, which makes for an insightful read."

Janie Pendleton, Novelist
The Gates to Love and War

Groomed and Tired

Clearly not looking to win any Parent of the Year awards, Hodmar Nunchuk considers it his duty to "induct the little slacker into the working world," as he pursues the sin qua non coiffure. We wish him luck in his misguided quest of infamy.

Borrowers Need not Apply

Echoing banking institutions nationwide, the DogTown National Bank adopted a firm mug faced position of "no loans, no way." Unfortunately the borrower in question was the bank president's wife known to all as Mrs. Thunder-Monkey. Known for her swift and vicious retribution style, sources close to the couple remain on tenterhooks as the scene plays out. Bush says troubled financial system is 'basically sound'

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